


Kaleidocycle

by jth1996



Category: King of Scars - Fandom, Shadow and Bone (TV), The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Pining, pre kos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:54:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29157729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jth1996/pseuds/jth1996
Summary: “Zoya, it’s impossible to forget that I’m a monster, but almost as hard to remember that I’m still human.”Nikolai asks Zoya for a favor before locking him up for the night.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 10
Kudos: 48





	Kaleidocycle

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this blurb stuck in my head for a long long time so it's about time I just wrote it so other people can share the feelings I feel because they just....THEY

If Zoya had to fake one more laugh during tonight’s dinner it would have come out as a sob. It was the last stately dinner in what felt like a never-ending series of ambassadors, diplomats, and low ranking royalty discussing political affairs under the guise of a seasonal celebration. Just about every man present came up with something to say as an excuse to talk to her. The second-born nephew of the Fjerdan king was not interesting, no matter how many names he dropped. Still, all the stories told with sloshing glasses of the finest kvas were all for a better cause. 

At least, that's what Nikolai kept assuring her. 

The way he was so charming and inviting made everyone want to open up to him. After a few drinks, there were no strengths or weaknesses he couldn’t talk out of anyone. Zoya thought it was the most admirable form of trickery a king could have: a good personality. She truly didn’t know how he could keep it up without snapping. 

“Can you please admit that this week has been exhausting to you as well?” She asked him as they walked toward the King’s chambers. 

“If I did, you would tell me to stop whining.”

“I think I would let it pass this time.”

“Then yes, the past few days have been unpredictably tiring and it will be a relief not to worry if an assassin is lurking around every corner of my home.”

“You’re a king. Assassins will always be lurking. Quit whining.”

Together the two entered the heavily guarded and intricately locked bedchamber. This had been a normal routine for a while now, but it still felt like an invasion of privacy. Not that it was a scene many had seen before recent events, but now it was a place only a handful of people had access to. She knew the murmurs and rumors that spread around the palace. With a general that beautiful, anyone would keep a tight lock on their bedroom. 

Zoya guessed it was the best explanation for the chains on the bed. Even though the reality was a nightmare.

She was exhausted after a week of pretending to be interested in the least interesting men she’d ever met, but her job wasn’t finished quite yet. One last task she had to complete for her king before she allowed her body and her mind to check out, even for just a few hours. 

Nikolai shrugged off his coat and fingers popped open the top few buttons on his shirt. Before, Zoya would have felt guilty watching a man--a hopelessly gorgeous man that was her king--prepare himself for bed, but she had gotten over that guilt quite quickly. Especially after the first time she locked the chains around his wrists. With the first click of locks, an unspoken agreement passed between the two of them.

Pretend this is normal. Because we have to.

Zoya brought her thoughts back to tonight with a deep sigh. “Do you believe what was said tonight?”

“That the new opera storming Ketterdam will soon be memorized and performed by Toyla? I believe it, he’s a man of the arts.”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

He tensed over the basin he was just mindlessly freshening up at. A damp hand pushed through his hair, making some locks stick together or stand up. “Of course I believe it. The Fjerdans are sending more troops to their southern border. Of course they are planning on advancing.”

“Seems like something to be concerned about.” She leaned against one of the bedposts, arms crossed and meeting his eye in the mirror. 

“I am concerned, just not surprised.” He dabbed at his face with a towel. “I don’t think it's a sign of immediate peril. There is still trade to maintain, our own people posted in Fjerda to consider. We’re not taking any action for the moment.”

“You sound as if you’re just planning another soiree, not debating military defenses.”

He abruptly turned to face her. “Don’t think I’m not taking this seriously. Any threat to Ravka is a direct threat to me. It is a question of my right to rule the country I give so much to, and still have so much more to give. To the people I know I can do more for, and know that I am the only one willing to do it for them. Our neighbors see a boy king. They don’t see the reforms and reconstruction of a country that was on the brink of falling after standing on one poorly supported leg for so long.” 

His body was tight with tension, white knuckles and stress veins popping out on his forehead. After a moment, he took a few breaths to steady himself. “I’d rather be underestimated. I’d rather have our enemies test our might.”

“Would you like me to roll out a welcome mat for them?”

“Yes, in the form of you and your courageous soldiers and all our troops meeting them right where they are. I’d be right there with you.” 

Zoya knew he didn’t mean you singular, but the picture of the two of them standing side by side on the battlefront was an easy scene to imagine. 

She felt an unwelcoming softness rush over her. Was she truly creating fantasies that revolved around war? It was hard to believe she was fantasizing at all. There were dangers to creating false worlds in your head. It removed you from reality, and when you finally returned the real world was much more upsetting and disappointing. So no, she would not allow herself to put these thoughts in her head, no matter how striking they looked together. 

All she said was, “I trust you,” because it was true. As the words fell she could see that it was something he needed to hear. A validation that those close to him knew he was worthy of the crown, other neighboring countries be damned. 

She pushed herself off the bedpost and stood tall, retrieving the key that locked all the king’s secrets. “Shall I chain you up now, your majesty?” The keyring swung around her finger from a small gust of her own creation. 

Nikolai did not bother replying and crept over to the massive four-post bed. While he meant every word he said earlier, each syllable was another moment longer without massive chains holding him in his own room. 

The monster terrified her as much as Nikolai. It was a reminder. Just as much as the bleached sand of the Unsea was a reminder. 

To end and start every day in chains would cause havoc on anyone, but so far Nikolai had done it with grace and poise. But currently, he was staring at them as if they were the most threatening thing in the world. 

“Nikolai…”

“Zoya, it’s impossible to forget that I’m a monster, but almost as hard to remember that I’m still human.”

The words pierced into her heart. A heart she sometimes forgot she had.

“Could you...can you stay with me here? Just for the night, General.” 

She wished he had said her name. When it was phrased like that it almost sounded like a command. But then again, he probably did that on purpose to make it harder for her to say no.

“Yes, Nikolai,” she said, to show she would have done it no matter how he asked. 

He laid on the bed and she began to work on his ankles. It was the easiest place to start. “Could you keep my hands free? Just for a bit longer.”

Zoya remembered a toy she had as a child. It was made of paper, and when you folded it in on itself, the print of the paper showed a new design each time. One fold after another created a new tiny masterpiece. 

The chains that bound only his ankles and the softness of his voice felt like she'd folded him to show a new image.

She set the keys down on the bedside table. Unsure of what he wanted her to do with this new task, Zoya removed her kefta and boots. She positioned them neatly by the lounge at the end of the bed. Then she sat too, her body facing him, but her eyes were fixed on the wall behind him. With a sigh that was half exhaustion and half content, she reached back to free the pins from her hair.

“Wait.”

Please make this easy. Tell me to leave. Tell me this was a silly idea. Please don’t make me confront these feelings now.

“May I help you with that?”

There had been so much she’d done for him after the sudden return of the monster. She never put a limit on how much was too much to ask. At the moment, this seemed like the most monumental thing she’d done for him. Pretending to have an affair to conceal the real reason why they were sneaking back to the palace before dawn was compromising for both of them. But it was the easiest lie to sell. Zoya was concerned how easy it was to play that role. Now, she allowed herself to be real, not to play pretend. Neither of them was playing a part to uphold a lie. This was real. And without asking any questions or quick remarks, she sat on the edge of his bed with her back to him.

The mattress shifted as he sat up. A moment of hesitation passed before his fingers combed through her hair in search of the few pins that held the long dark locks of her hair. She allowed her eyes to close and embraced the comfort of this moment.

That’s all this could ever be. Just a moment.

His fingers found the pin holding back a lock of hair that always fell in her face. When it was free, it swayed in front of her eye. Involuntarily, she tilted her head slightly. She had summoned lightning before, but this felt so much more dangerous. Then, Nikolai’s last two blackened and scarred fingers curled around the lock and traced the arch of her brow until it was safely tucked behind her ear.

The soft clatter of the hairpins on the bedside table was the only noise to be heard. Not a word, barely a breath. 

Nikolai’s hands went back to her hair. His fingers cautiously combed through it and when his nails grazed her scalp or the skin of her neck she tried not to shiver. She wanted to live in this feeling for as long as she could. After becoming general, she hadn’t had any new moments of intimacy and she’d forgotten how much she missed it. The feeling of being wanted, or in this case, the feeling of being needed. 

Zoya turned her head and looked over her shoulder. Nikolai was still sitting up, fingers toying with the ends of her hair. His face was dangerously close to hers. His breath warming the space between her neck and shoulder. His body leaning forward just enough that they were a heartbeat away from sitting against each other. When she met his eyes, they were a picture she’d never seen before, a pattern that was waiting for the right time to be revealed.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered in a voice that was almost silent, the words a bare breeze.

“For what?”

“You carry so much.”

“Yes, but I’d rather bear too much than not enough.”

“And if it crushes you?”

“I know you’d plan a lovely funeral.”

She quickly turned to him. “Don’t speak like that. I don’t want to hear about your demise unless it’s coming directly from me.”

He took a breath to say something else but thought it was best not to say it. She saw him swallow his own words. Instead he raised a hand and gently cupped her cheek. A thumb brushing up to her eyelashes. 

She read the words he didn’t say from everything he told her in silence. You are my demise.

Then as soon as his hand was there it was gone, and he rested back down on the bed. Nikolai purposely left enough room for her to lay without making it a demand that she do so. It was an invitation. 

Before her better judgement spoke up, she curled her legs up onto the bed and cradled her head in her arm. 

She didn’t bother to lock his wrists.

And the monster did not come that night.

Zoya slept more peacefully than ever.


End file.
